Clean Old Age Jokes

Old People Jokes

When you get old, your secrets are safe with your friends. They'll never share them because they can't remember them.

At my age, I don't want to eat health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

You can't be young forever, but immaturity can last a life time.

I'm done with wild oats. Now I'm into prunes and All Bran.

Old Age Truisms

There are worse things than getting old. I just wish I could remember them. (Bob Hope)

When I was young, I really wanted a BMW. Now I don't care about the W.

Do old men wear boxers or briefs? Depends.

I'm so old I don't buy green bananas anymore.

Florida: God's waiting room.

Just for seniors, Campbell's has put out a new large type Alphabet Soup.

I spent nearly two hours at the beauty parlor. That was for the estimate.

I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but now I don't have anyone to respect.

I'm really not old. I'm chronologically gifted.

I'm so old that when I eat at a restaurant, they ask me for money up front.

Experience is a great thing. It lets you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

The Perks of Getting Older

No one expects you to run - anywhere.

People no longer think you are a hypochondriac.

Kidnappers are not interested in you.

In a hostage situation, you are most likely to be released first.

The things you purchase won't wear out.

You don't have to listen to the weather report. Your joints give you the forecast.

You can sing along with elevator music and no one thinks anything of it.

You secrets are safe with you friends because they won't remember them.

You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.

You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

Your eyes won't get very much worse.

People call you at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

There's nothing left for you to learn the hard way.

You stopped holding your stomach in, no matter who enters the room.