Clean Funny Jokes

Gracie Allen's Roast Beef Recipe

You need:

• 1 Large Roast Beef
• 1 Small Roast Beef

Put both roasts in the oven.

When the little one burns, the big one is done.

Funeral Instructions

An elderly woman recently died. She had never married. In her written instructions for her service she said that she was not to have any male pallbearers. She wrote: "They wouldn't take me out when I was alive. I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

The Hollywood Model Builder

A Hollywood model builder was becoming increasingly frustrated with his perfectionist boss. His job was to make models of anything and everything which was needed on the movie set, from guns to space ships. But he could never satisfy his boss. Although he was an expert at mixing and matching paint, invariably there would be a slight difference between the sample he was given to duplicate and the larger model he created to be used in the movie. "Can you make it a little more orange?" his boss would say. "Can you make it a little lighter?" "Can you make it a little darker?" "Can you make it a little …?" On and on. Every time.

One day after numerous revisions to the color, none of which pleased his boss, the builder presented his model one more time and got a glowing approval. "That is exactly what I wanted!"

He had painted the sample the same color as the model.

Funny One Liners

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I went to school to become a wit, but I only got halfway through.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

When I come to one of the forks in the road of life, I don’t waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon. ~ Miss Piggy

An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will Rogers

How's Edna?

"General Hospital," the receptionist answered.

On the other end of the phone was someone who sounded like a sweet little grandmother. Timidly she asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone to find out how a patient is doing?"

"Yes," said the receptionist. "I'll be glad to help you. What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Edna Smith. Room 503," the grandmother said in a weak and trembling voice.

The receptionist said, "I'm going to put you on hold while I talk to the nurse's station on that floor."

A few minutes later she was back and said, "I have good news. The nurse told me that Edna is doing well. He blood pressure if good. Her blood work came back normal and the doctor had scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Oh, thank you! That is wonderful. God bless you for the good news. I was so worried."

"You're very welcome," replied the receptionist. "Is Edna your daughter?"

"No," said the grandmother. "I'm Edna. No one tells me anything."

Lost Chickens

A farmer sent his son to the market to buy a crate of chickens. The boy did and was returning home when he dropped the crate and it broke open, letting all the chickens escape.

They scurried off in all directions. The boy was upset, knowing his father would be angry. He fixed the crate as best as he could and searching the neighborhood until he found them all. When he returned home, he told his father that the chickens had gotten loose, but he managed to find all eight of them.

"Well, you did a good job," said his father. The boy was surprised. His father continued, "The receipt says you paid for six."

The Lost Purse

A lady lost her purse one day while shopping at a busy department store. Fortunately, it was found by an honest little boy who returned it to her.

"Thank you," she said and looked inside it. "Hmmm," she said. "That's funny. When I lost it, there was a twenty dollar bill in it. Now there's twenty one dollar bills."

"That's right, lady," said the cleaver little boy. "Last time I returned a lost purse, the lady said she didn't have any change to give me a reward."

Children's View of Angels	Dumb Criminals in the News	Clean Old Age Jokes
Funny Package Instructions. Is this a joke?	Clean Puns	Christian Jokes